Binge Eating Disorder SUCKS!

 The place where I have one-on-one therapy has a group for people with eating disorders. I've tried something similar before and it was good to look at things like my own attutde to weight, what emotions made me eat, things like that. But having that knowledge didn't help me eat much healthier. The practical steps are from what I've read (most therapy and this group did not look at practical steps) is especially to -not diet- but stlll plan your meals.

But planning my meals, tracking, doing enough exercising, all those things still make me feel like I'm totally obsessed with food! I spend hours entering foods, planning meals, reading and reacting on Spark, I have a weekly Weight Watchers Meeting at work I go to, but it doesn't lead to weight loss, and it doesn't lead to better blood sugars either. If I try to not eat as much sugar or not eat as many carbs I get this 'diet rage' where I get upset that I can't eat what I'm craving and then I eat everything I can find, including going to a convenience store for binge food.

I can't tell what part is biological and what part is psychological. I know if I do not give in to the relatively mild cravings for carbs or sugars they stay milder, but they're still always there. If I eat even a little bit without adding enough protein and fat the cravings become monstrous. I wonder if I've always had pre-diabetes and insulin resistance with hypoglycemia or if that is only now, but that would explain why control is so hard to gain.

Is it really any use to try -another- thing about food, learning how to deal with body image and so forth when that didn't help before? Is it going to make me even more obsessed with food and lose time on tracking, writing, struggling, thinking about what I will eat and what I not will eat? On the other hand, I have nothing to lose, except pounds. It can't make it much worse than it is and maybe they will have methods and information I didn't have yet.

Food already has been a matter of life and death for a while. Diabetes alone is impossible to keep well-treated without control over my eating. I'm gathering more and more complications and many people are so happy to cast blame that it is all 'selfinflicted'. As if shame would help, but it only makes things worse. There even are scientific studies proving that. (http://www.washingtonpost.com
/news/to-your-health/wp/20
14/09/11/fat-shaming-doesn
t-work-a-new-study-says/ http://www.slate.com/articles/
health_and_science/science
/2009/10/glutton_intolerance.html ) I want to avoid further complications, and I want to try and not have my life ruled by food. I'll admit I have doubts if it's even possible, but at least I keep trying. I keep getting up on the wagon, getting back on Sparkpeople, the healthy eating, the struggle after every binge. It's not much, but for now it's all I have. And I guess the group will be another time I'll climb back on the wagon, we'll see how it goes. 

Written on Tue May 12, 2015